Sunday, 26 February 2012

He made me feel

If, I could sing, I’d be up with a nice intro like
You made me feel,
You made me feel
You made me feel like a ...hmmm
I did say if, I could sing
That said he did make me feel

For the first time in a long time
I had a kiss that made my brain focus on nothing other than the kiss
My lips did nothing less than look for his
And we were inside but I swear
I felt a warm breeze

For the first time in years
I had a kiss that didn’t make me wonder why he was chewing on my bottom lip
Or how long I was going to stick with this
Or more important still
Why I felt nothing
Nothing inside, nothing outside
Kind of like somebody kept borrowing my lips for a game of kiss
And my body kept getting dragged along as if to be reminded of what is amiss

So yesterday when his lips met mine
It created a sensation leading to a realisation
That had to be uttered
HE made me feel.

I woke up this morning expecting to discover that it was all a dream
Dream turned nightmare as I realise I was simply a pawn in a game of self satisfaction
But I was happily disappointed with a smile
That prolonged yesterday’s sensations as again
He made me feel

Thing is, sometime between then and now,
My confidence seems to have gone amiss
It’s been days and not a word
I’m waiting for a call that will not come
And it’s starting to dawn on me
I rushed in with uncertain emotions
Without sparing a moment for the repercussions
Are we dating or were we just cavorting
How many days must I wait to have confirmation?
The message I sent last night still has no affirmation
Now I just feel stupid
Wondering what is my status
Wondering how to reclaim my emotions
Knowing I sold myself short
Feeling stupid
Unsure if this is what he made me feel

But if I am honest
I had a choice and those were my actions
Yes that night he did make me feel sweet sensations
But in future
I know not to give my all away
For just one fleeting moment
When he really makes me feel

©2012 by Tolu Agbelusi.  All Rights Reserved

Saturday, 11 February 2012


Next time
Next time someone asks me who I am
I’ll tell them

I’ll tell them that
I’m - an amazing God like specimen painstakingly crafted in his image
And I’ll mean every single word of it

For far too long all I felt was invisible
I didn’t like my self
Could ‘nt recognise my self
So every time I stepped out confidence was lacking
And questions were abounding

Looking around just made me wonder
Why my face wasn’t spotless
Why I wasn’t taller
Why my boobs dint grow quicker
Why my hips weren’t wider
My waist not smaller
My teeth not whiter
My stomach not flatter
My grades not higher
My swag not flyer
This could go on forever
Basically the world made me wonder

And every time I stepped out confidence was lacking
And questions were abounding
I (just) wanted to be invisible

With teen age years came the cross continental migration
And that didn’t help matters
This new culture was such a frustration
My peers – I couldn’t understand a fraction
With so much opportunity
Their dreams still somehow never achieved conception
Morals were missing in action
Fun was identifiable by a chain of regrettable actions
They existed to be the centre of attraction
I was only ever to them the side distraction
My name - they mangled beyond recognition
My accent - they ripped to shreds with no contrition
My feelings they crushed with no emotion
I couldn’t find myself in all of their commotion
I felt invisible  
Wanted reality to match my emotion
Felt invisible craved a confidence that only comes with true self definition

So I set out to find myself

At first, I moulded myself into the image of their perfection
And when they said I was beautiful, I was
I lived for those moments when showering me with compliments; I saw glimmers of that confidence that person who I so badly craved to be

I didn’t know who I was but I sold whatever that was at a high price
Just so I could hear someone say you are beautiful or proclaim some other self affirming accolade
Choosing to forget that when he said I was beautiful he wasn’t giving me an upgrade
He simply acknowledged what God made,

I became almost all their expectations
Only to find that the new me - wasn’t matching my expectations
I didn’t know who I was
But I had to be - I was I had to be worth more than that

With that realisation I took my first step on the road to who I am
Saw a sign defining bondage as allowing MY self worth to be determined by others’ subjective limitations
So I looked for a standard that wasn’t subject to permutations
 Salvation freed me from self imposed incarceration
My self worth can only be defined by the Creator not his creations
And opening to psalm 139, I found my true definition
It wasn’t linked to my profession
Or my current situation
It didn’t fluctuate with emotion
In fact it made me rise out of depression

I opened psalm 139 and saw my true definition

And with that discovery history was made
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
So if you don’t behold mine it doesn’t dismantle what God made
My confidence has totally been remade
And my value it’s not manmade
I know who I am so I can embrace what I am
5 foot 4 of intelligent, beautiful awkward awesomeness who is fearfully and wonderfully made

On those days when I wake up daring to forget what God has made
When the confidence of yesterday seems mislaid
I react with purpose until my misgivings are allayed
Repeating to myself in the mirror of life
I am not invisible, I am not worthless

Cus this is who I am.
This is who I am

©Tolu Agbelusi   26.01.2012